MARRIAGE COUNSELING
If you are married and have lost the emotional closeness and positive emotional bonding you once shared, then Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT) may be the very tool you need in your marital relationship tool box. Pain can come from sexual betrayal; arguments over parenting; money; and/or not being heard, validated, or nurtured by your spouse. Also, the marital dance can be difficult when communication skills are poor, and seeking counseling can be the first step in restoring the attachment and positive emotional bonding you seek to thrive in the marital dance. Therapy will help you as a couple to dance to the same orchestra.
Marriage is a high-maintenance relationship. It is more than saying, "I love you." It is about nurturing an attachment that builds a deep, caring bond and touches deep into the heart and soul of your spouse. It shows behaviors and an attitude that put strength and honor in those three words all spouses need to hear: "I love you!!" The marriage vows are one-sided. They are your commitment to your spouse about what you will do, regardless of what they will do. There are no contingency clauses in the marriage vows. Each spouse promises before God, witnesses, family, and friends, to do for the other, with nothing based on what the other spouse does or does not do (there are exceptions to consider).
This is not easy
when only one spouse is applying the marriage vows to their behavior and attitude.
There are telltale signs that a marriage is in need of a tune-up or a full-scale overhaul. If there is a crack in the emotional bond, this says there is trouble ahead. If communication is about people, places, and things, there is going to be a train wreck down the tracks. If there is fading in the excitement you two once enjoyed, it may be an indication the wheels are going to come off sometime down the marital railroad.
I am a therapist who helps couples find the problem in their marriage. Finding the problem without blame, shame, judgment, or criticism helps them learn the tools necessary to restore the luster, attraction, and excitement they once enjoyed with each other. These tools may include learning how to make it safe to talk about the vulnerable or negative feelings, so the other spouse responds constructively and does not go defensive. A vulnerable feeling statement is not blame, is not an attack, and is not judgment. It is simply a feeling of what is happening inside your spouse in response to what you said. It has nothing to do with your intent. It has to do with what your partner heard. Another tool is to be in touch with your own feelings, positive or negative (vulnerable), so you can talk about these feelings without using communication bullets blaming, shaming, scolding, lecturing, swearing, sermonizing, philosophizing, or sarcasm. Another important tool is to nurture each other by resolving conflict together. If it is thriving together you want, then make an appointment to reach that goal.
I am skilled in Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT). When this therapy is applied to your marriage, by you, it is a process that will bring you to a position of strength. This strength allows your attachment needs and positive emotional bonding to be met to create a new beginning for you. This will be a lasting beginning for each new tomorrow. You didn't say "I do" to just survive or exist. The two of you signed up to THRIVE,
and I see thriving in the couples I work with when both are applying the EFT skills to their marriage.
What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy?
EFT was created specifically for marriage therapy. I see a marked improvement and better long-term results than with other forms of marriage counseling. Also, long-term follow-up studies show less slipping back to old habits when other therapies are used with couples.
A strong component in EFT is, especially in conflict or potential conflict, that feelings become the issue. The simple formula is "either spouse needs to be able to say the tough things, in a kind way, without the other spouse becoming defensive." When couples can do this, they don't need me. The kindest way I know to say the tough things is to put it into a feeling statement. "I felt hurt
when you came home two hours late and didn't call." Stop there. Now the ball is in the other spouse's court to address or validate the feeling of hurt. As humans are created in God's image, we have several different feelings ranging from negative to positive. If it is not safe to talk about the negative or vulnerable feelings, the couple will NOT THRIVE. A few of our negative/vulnerable feelings are hurt, sad, rejected, ignored, angry, invisible, lonely, disrespected, betrayed, and disconnected. When a spouse is feeling any of these feelings, the attachment bond is breaking and there is pain because fundamental needs are not being met. I provide a safe place for couples to learn how to talk about their feelings and vulnerabilities and how to address them in a way that each spouse has a sense of being heard, respected, valued, and loved.
When couples try to resolve conflict cognitively or logically, they are trying to win and prove the other wrong. This results in a loss for both. This approach to conflict resolution is a recipe for a train wreck. There is no place for defensiveness in conflict if you want to THRIVE!
When EFT is used effectively by the therapist and applied by the couple, it strengthens the attachment and generates positive emotional bonding. This allows the couple to become more open and responsive to each other. The couple grows emotionally and spiritually in this safe environment, and this brings about
THRIVING.
Counseling for Extramarital Affairs
When sexual or emotional affairs happen, they not only cause deep pain, but these events are a major trust destroyer. A thriving marriage cannot be built on failing or failed trust. This kind of pain goes very deep into the heart and soul of your mate. Healing does happen, but it takes time - lots of time - and major patience on the part of the person that has caused the devastating emotional pain. EFT is a powerful tool to work through the betrayal and other painful feelings and emotions. The feelings of betrayal, disrespect, and abandonment become the issue.
Healing work takes time, lots of time. Under the best of circumstances, it can take up to two years and possibly more. But when a couple use the EFT skills learned in sessions and those skills become second nature the couple can have a stronger marriage that thrives because now they are nurturing and on a deeper level of care. Hope in the future becomes real because selfishness is set aside to show loving care for the other spouse.
Collaborative Marriage Skills
David L. Jamison is a certified instructor in Collaborative Marriage Skills and is available for seminar presentations. This material focuses on the importance of communication, keeping a connection despite life’s demands, and developing skills to increase intimacy. The instruction helps couples build skills and form a caring attitude, which helps nurture behavior that confirms the words “I love you.”
“I've heard the expression "people change-but not much”. What our therapist, Mr. Jamison, has done for our marriage is not so much change us - but helped us to stop approaching a typical argument and chose a different point of view using new tools from our communication tool box. It sounds simple and it is - but takes commitment and time." - Couple-Rochester
Appointments with David L. Jamison
Hours are by appointment only. Hours are Monday through Friday 8 AM with the last appointment at 5 PM.
Appointments are 45-50-minutes. Sessions have a set hourly fee and The Center accepts many insurances including Medica for Mayo Clinic personnel. Payment can be made by cash, check, or credit/debit cards. Co-pay is expected at the time of the appointment.
To schedule an appointment, contact The Center at 507-273-8971 or by email at dave91800@gmail.com
Contact Us
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Marriage & Family Wellness Center I 3265 19th Street N.W I Suite 170 I Rochester, MN 55901 I 507-273-8971
